Young Billy was surprised to be waking up in Hell.
For all of his 13 years he had been the best of children. He was devoted to his parents and two siblings, he was an excellent scholar and citizen at Holy Family School, and he performed well on numerous playing fields. He was the ideal adolescent male child.
He was baptized as an infant and studied the catechism diligently prior to his recent confirmation. Father Flanagan had high hopes for Billy, secretly wishing for him to pursue the priesthood. Billy’s parents had different plans for him: Mom was wishing for an artist, Dad was lobbying for an athlete-cum-businessman. Billy had several ideas but hadn’t yet focused on one.
The fatal auto accident, however, permanently altered everyone’s plans.
The accident was nothing spectacular; it barely made the paper in their major metropolitan home. The only casualty, save for a few cuts and bruises, was Billy. He was sitting comfortably in the back seat when the school bus came through the door. What made his death all the more unfortunate was that he had spent a little extra time in the shower that morning.
As he awoke in Hell’s sauna-like admissions office, he was greeted by Gruffles, the agent who was to process his admittance and send him to his room on the appropriate level.
“Excuse me, sir,” Billy said tentatively, uncertain about Gruffles’ gender. “Can you please tell me where I am, and why?”
“You’re in Hell, young man, courtesy of an auto accident,” Gruffles said roughly. “Those damned infernal machines! We can hardly keep up with the natural deaths, let alone all those caused by drunken bus drivers! And must you people replenish the earth so relentlessly? Don’t you ever think of the repercussions of your actions?”
“I’m sorry for the trouble we’ve caused you,” Billy replied respectfully, though somewhat stunned by his situation. “I know yours isn’t the best job one can have. But now I’m more confused. Why am I in Hell rather than Heaven? I honestly can’t think of what I might have done to deserve this.”
Gruffles waved his calloused hands dismissively. “Yeah, no one ever does. No matter how many people they’ve killed or the magnitude of their greed, no one thinks they belong here. Well, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t deserve it.” Gruffles was not the least bit sympathetic.
“I’ve done nothing even close to killing people!” Billy countered in earnest. “I’ve been good to my parents and brother and sister, I attend mass every week, I study hard in school…”
“Yeah, keep justifying yourself. Perhaps you should admit to your sins instead of trying to deny them. Just get down to paying for them. The sooner you accept your fate, the better off you’ll be. Do you think I sit here every day and say ‘woe is me, what did I ever do to anyone?’ No, I’d go freakin’ nuts. I just accept my fate and do my job. You can’t always figure it out. But the Lord is good and wise and his will be done on earth as it is in heaven, et cetera, et cetera.”
“But sir…” Billy started again. Gruffles interrupted him solidly.
“Look, you were baptized as an infant, right?”
“Yes, and even confirmed.”
Gruffles wiped his brow. “Not important what you did after that. Well almost. But having been sprinkled with that Holy Water—that’s the heart of the matter. So you get that water on you, right, and some of it soaks in. Some of it might have even trickled into your innocent little infant mouth, or you might have sniffed some of it up that perfect nose of yours.
“Once it’s in your system, it mixes with the other waters in your body. You know you’re mostly water, right? Well, part of it goes into your bloodstream, some into your mucous, some into your lymph, some into your endocrine, some into your saliva, on and on. It’s impossible to trace the drops of Holy Water at this point. But it’s in there, be certain. Now Holy Water having a touch of the Divine Eternal in it, well, it might stay with you for a while.”
“But what does that have to do with it?” Billy asked, greatly puzzled.
“Okay, look, uh…,” Gruffles glanced at the form again, “…um, Billy, let me just get to the point, since you seem to be under too much duress to think it through. The Holy Water enters into your system. It becomes part of your fluids. Some of it might have ventured down to your testes—don’t get embarrassed, everyone’s got them, well, all you male children, anyway—and then it becomes part of your semen. I think you get the picture.” He was a little annoyed at having to explain in such detail.
“No, I don’t get the picture,” Billy continued to protest. “I still don’t see what that has to do with anything,”
The admissions office had slowly filled with other new arrivals, all of whom were grumbling impatiently.
“Look, kid, I’m in a hurry here. You’ll have plenty of time to ponder your little existential dilemma after I get you admitted. Let me just ask you one question. You did something in the shower this morning, other than wash yourself. What exactly was it, hmm?”
“I…I, um, you know, I…”
“You masturbated! Just come out with it, for Christ’s sake! It’s not like no one else has ever done it. Geez, we have a billion of you little wankers down here. Your body starts getting all hairy and parts start growing and you notice your sister’s got breasts and you like it when her friends come over for a slumber party, all that. So you take a pull now and then. No harm in that, right? Unless of course you might have a little Holy Water in that juice of yours. Don’t want to be expelling the waters of the sacred bleeding heart of Jesus, now do you? That’s a one-way express ticket, bypass Purgatory, straight to Hell you go! I hope you enjoyed it!” He punctuated this last comment with a rude back-and-forth hand gesture.
“What! No way, that can’t be it! I wasn’t even thinking of my sister!”
“It doesn’t matter if you were thinking about your mom, kid. You ejaculated the Christ Presence and now you have to work it off. Just be careful how much you please yourself down here, though. It’s not unheard of for someone to increase their punishment by taking too many trips to the well. Holy Water might get you a few indulgences, but not the kind you’re going after.”
In response to Billy’s agonizing wail, Gruffles stamped the final seal with a loud bang!
“Next!”